Aside from being Tax Day, yesterday was the day that Fortune dropped its annual Fortune 500 ranking of the largest US corporations for 2010, while we’re sure the list is fascinating this year, we’re more interested in the list competitor Forbes released the day before. We’re referring, of course, to the much-anticipated 2010 Forbes Fictional 15. As expected, the list included some newcomers, most notably Carlisle Cullen of Twilight fame, who knocks Scrooge McDuck out of first place with an estimated net worth of $34.1 billion. Chuck Bass from TV’s Gossip Girl is another newcomer at number 13 (between Monty Burns and Jay Gatsby), with a net worth of $1.1 billion. These newcomers are just the sort we’ve come to expect from the Fictional 15, and certainly the estimates of their wealth are reasonable. At the tail end of the list, though, is a new new name that, despite our affection for her, has no business whatsoever being on the list.
We’re referring, of course, to Lucille Bluth. Yes, Arrested Development was a fantastic show (it’s certainly a Juggle favorite), and we understand that the folks at Forbes would like to recognize that fact, but really, there’s just no way Lucille has 950 million dollars. Anyone who’s seen the show knows this because the premise of the entire show is that the Bluths are strapped for money. They drive a Stair Car, and not because they enjoy hop-ons. Even if they were still wealthy after all their travails, all their holdings were in real estate! (Excepting a cash-lined banana stand that was burned down in 2003.) And we’re not talking the kind of real estate that’s destined to bounce back as soon as the economy turns. Nope, the Bluths were up to their eyes in partially-constructed McMansion-style developments like Sudden Valley, which pretty much epitomize the now-extinct easy credit economy of the early 2000′s. What’s more it’s not as if the houses the Bluth Company did build were solidly constructed, either. What money they might still have will likely evaporate in lawsuits from angry homeowners suing over their shoddy workmanship. And Barry Zuckercorn’s time does not come cheap. Sorry, Forbes, we’re not buying the whole “squirreled away millions in Swiss bank accounts” thing. Come on!